How special it feels to open your eyes and know that everything is okay. That you’re okay, that you’re healthy and that you’re loved. The past two months have been draining and stressful. Very few people know just how stressful it has been – though in all honesty, I don’t think I realized how much of an impact the whole infertility news has had on me. There were times when the answer to my morning question was no but they were few and far between.
I am constantly asked how I managed to get through all of this on my own. It’s easy to be alone when you’re so loved. When you’re so supported and cared for. My blog friends, my blog friends turned in real life friends, my in real life friends and family – I didn’t tell you a lot, perhaps in my silence you saw need, perhaps you saw an emptiness. You forced your way in and made me talk. Sometimes you were annoying, sometimes I just wanted to cry but wanted you to tell me not to (and you didn’t – which made you more annoying!) but sometimes, sometimes you were the shoulder I so desperately needed.
I have had the last of my tests and the doctors have arrived at the conclusion that I am a healthy 26 year old (minus the being able to have a baby thing). Monday was my last appointment and with that came a lot of emotions. Relief. No more appointments. This is it. Finality. We’ve made our decisions and it’s time to move on. There will be an amazing life to live. One that I now get to re-think.
For 26 years the only two things I’ve seen in my future have been a PhD and a child, a husband was always an added bonus. Almost everything has come second to those. It’s scary thinking about the future and not being able to envision children. Many of you will ask about adoption – we haven’t ruled it out, it’s still a possibility but it’s something that will take time. For the moment, I’m enjoying myself again. I’m getting to know me again. I’m figuring out what I want. I spend a lot of time thinking about how I will make my life meaningful without being a mother. I don’t have the answers. But I’m happy. And I’m content. And for the moment, that is enough.
I haven’t blogged a lot in the past two weeks. I don’t want this blog to become all about loss and infertility. These things have been a big part of my life for the past two months. But it’s only a part. There have been so many other amazing things happening and now that I have my life and time back I can’t wait to share it all with you.
Give me a few days to get myself together. And then we’ll get back to all the things that we love. We might talk about this again, we might not. The one thing I’ve tried to do on this blog is to remain honest. And I’m honestly ready to talk about shoes, clothes, books, romance and blogs!
If you don’t have children, the same, what brings meaning to your life?