Infertility isn’t the easiest thing to deal with. Even harder when you’re a healthy 26 year old, who has always been careful about her body. And harder still when you’ve always wanted to be a mum. Or because you’ve always been told what a great mum you’d make. Or because you’ve always known you’d be a great mum. Or maybe because you have an amazing husband who would be such a wonderful dad. It can’t be easy for anyone. Not matter what the circumstance. Am I glad I went to the doctors? Yes. I’m glad I found out what was happening. I’m glad I no longer have to wonder ‘if this month will be it’. So many of you have been asking how I am. It’s hard. I’m going to the tests and all the appointments on my own. It’s kinda of thrown me, even though I’ve always had an inkling that something was wrong. But the truth of it is that I’m actually okay.
It’s not one of those shallow ‘I’m okays’. It’s one of those, from the bottom of my heart, ‘I’m okay’. I was upset, and I did cry, perhaps 3 hours, in the past two weeks. Which isn’t bad. I’m stronger than I look. I’m not pretending to be strong. I’m not pretending to keep it together. I couldn’t keep it together if I didn’t naturally feel that way. If I needed to cry, and scream and lose it, I would. I’m not that strong. I just haven’t felt the need or desire to.
I haven’t blamed myself. I haven’t asked myself if I could have done things differently to change this. Instead I find that I’ve been turning to what I’m thankful for. And of all the things I have – I have good health. I’m just thankful that my body has been so good to me. I’m healthy, I don’t have any problems. And if I have this health and the only thing I’ve had taken was the ability to get pregnant, than that’s okay. It truly is. Patrick and I have said no to surgery, and that’s it. There’s nothing more to be said.
It has been tough and I’ve been selfish. All my friends and family – husband included have been under strict orders not to cry in front of me. I can’t look after myself and help others through their grief too. For the most part, everyone has been great. Patrick has been so strong. So strong. I can’t imagine what his grief must be like, but he has kept it together to help me. I couldn’t ask for more. With all the news, I’ve just done what I needed to do to look after me and that included not trying to be strong for everyone else. It sounds awful, but it’s the truth, and I was honest about this with my family. For the past two days, I’ve felt stronger, more able to be there for Patrick and my family, my mum especially.
What’s in store for us? I don’t know. I’m still doing tests and scans to make sure I’m completely okay. We’re thinking about adoption. We’re thinking about the work we do with children and young people. We’re surrounded by them all the time. And there is no shortage of cuteness on Patrick’s side of the family. Have you seen my nieces? Seriously, I don’t feel like I’m missing out – I feel blessed. Plus, the little one can actually say Auntie Vanisha now (not Auntie Nisha!), I ought to start a series on auntiehood!
My heartfelt thanks to you – you have no idea what your kind words have meant to me. Thank you for thinking of Patrick when I clearly was so focused on me. What amazing women you all are.