in case you’re wondering, none of these children are ours…though I’d happily take them, especially that little cheekiness with the blue spade!

There, I said it! I want a baby.

I want to kick, stamp my feet and scream. I’m not sure how telling you this is going to make me feel better. But I just have to, or I’ll go nuts. We haven’t been ‘trying’ for long so I really shouldn’t complain. And I’m not, truly I’m not, I’m ‘just saying’. I’ve been off the pill for…not even a year (I know, I know, but like I said I’m not complaining!) Given all the travelling, we have only been in the same country for about two months (still not complaining!)

The thing is, I have a feeling that something is wrong. I haven’t gone to the doctor I’m not sure why. Maybe I’m scared, maybe it’s the finality of it all. I don’t know. My dearest friends have all been so wonderful checking up on me, praying for me (thanks Steph and Steph’s mamma) and just being there. I think I owe it to you and to myself, and not to mention my darling husband to get my act together and go to the doctor.

I promise I will, before the end of the month.

Will you hold me to it?


60 comments on “I Want A Baby”

  • Deidre says:

    First of all, how exciting that you're trying! YAY!

    Second of all, it took a long time for me to get the pill ou of my system (and I wasn't even trying to have a baby), and I'd only been on the pill for a few months (9), I think sometimes doctor's underestimate the amount of time it takes for it to really get out of your system!

    Good luck! I'll be thinking of you.

  • Ruby says:

    Yay, mini Vanisha on the horizon.

    Have you been to the Doctor yet? 😛 Also, consider acupuncture.

  • OPI Addict says:

    I also have this insane fear that I won't be able to have kids (I've had this fear for years, and I'm only 21!), so I completely understand where you're coming from. But definitely go see your doctor and get all of your questions answered, or else you'll have this fear in the back of your head forever!

  • I know that once you decide you want to get pregnant, it's VERY hard to keep it off your mind, so I'm glad you decided to write about it. I sure hope nothing is wrong (and you're probably fine), but going to the doctor can't hurt! Best of luck, Vanisha. I want you to have a baby too!

  • Michelle says:

    It will happen dont stress or worry just have lots of loving and sexy times and it will happen, promise 🙂

  • toi says:

    okay, when i was trying i had the fear of something going wrong. just like you we had work travels which kept us apart for some months. but the fear was still there. i went to the doctor and in the end there was nothing wrong.

    so yes go to the doctor but keep your heart at peace because you will have your baby 🙂

  • Stephanie says:

    I'm holding you to it V. If you don't want to go alone, book it for a Wednesday or Thursday afternoon and I'll come along with you

    xo Stephanie

  • Have a checkup, but I'm sure it will all be fine x

  • Lovely post + pictures! I love your blog. I'm your newest follower 🙂 Would you mind checking out our blog & following back via GFC and Bloglovin'? Looking forward to your next post! xx

  • Rachi says:

    You will make an amazing mum and your time will come. But yes, have a check up to put your mind at ease and then let time take care of it. I'm sure it will happen for you lovely xox

  • Connie says:

    Go get it checked out, it's probably all in your head, but then you will know. I know you will be an amazing mum, and can't wait to follow you in that new stage of life:)

  • Svenja says:

    Hi Vanisha,

    I am sure your little one is already preparing and getting ready to get to you!! Nevertheless, maybe circumstances are requiring still a bit more time. And one day you will be a perfect mum!!

    I guess it is a good idea to get this check up, just to calm yourself down. I am certain, that everything will be fine, and then you can just relax and see it happen..
    I can imagine that with every month without that blue line (or whatever color / symbol) though one gets even more nervous and anxious. And fear does not actually help it, I assume… But I am not a mum (not even close) and I might be completely mistaken.

    Wishing you all the best & sending you all the love in the world
    Svenja xx

  • ~Orianne~ says:

    Hi Vanisha, I wish you and your husband all the best, you're a so wonderful young woman, I think you're a good mum, and your husband a good dad!:)

    All the best!



  • I have to say, I read your title and I said to myself "Is she reading my mind?". I am feeling exactly like you are … except we aren't trying. Because Ken "isn't ready". So I have a whole different set of frustrations going on. However, I do wish you the absolute BEST of luck, and I will definitely be keeping you both in my thoughts.

    If going to the doctor will calm your nerves, then it is best to go. However, my doctor told me (during one of my freakouts because I'm like "what if we wait too long and I can't get pregnant?") that it can take up to a year of solid "trying". But you know what is best for you.

    I'm here if you want to talk. Miss you!

    XO Jess

  • tiarenie says:

    We usually worry about a lot of things for no reason, so I say you should go to the doctor as soon as you can so that you can get your worries out of the way!! I have an app on my phone that tracks my period so that I know when to expect it. It also shows the week and the specific day that I am most fertile. Have you tried something like this? I'm sure everything will work out, just be patient! 🙂

  • Sabeen says:

    I will hold you to it.

    Hugs to you 🙂

  • Jacki says:

    So happy to hear that you and Patrick are trying! The waiting can't be easy … a trip to the doctor can only put your mind at ease. You will be an amazing mum!! Xoxo

  • Lauryn says:

    There's absolutely nothing wrong with saying how you feel out loud. In fact, they say that's the best way to make things happen! This has to be such a personal and stressful experience for you both. I hope you find the answers you're looking for very soon, and that your baby makes his or her way to you as soon as possible 🙂

  • Annika says:

    What a big step! All the best to you, Vanisha! Have fun with the trying. :o) I think I would want to go see the doctor, just for peace of mind. He'll either tell you everything is okay and to be patient, or he'll help you on the way, if you need it.

  • Hope you visit the doctor just for peace of mind. Best wishes to you both as you begin on this journey! How exciting for you both.

  • Trying for a baby can be a bit of an emotional roller coaster ride. I hope you're not putting too much stress on yourself. You'll be in my prayers. Take care of yourself, Vanisha.

  • Helen says:

    I'll hold you too it. I never thought I could have kids (long story) and then a Dr's appointment changed that all around. I'm sure everything will be fine beautiful, praying for you. x

  • What abrave post! You most definitely need to go to the doctor, even for the reassurance that everything is fine. You're a wonderful women who would be a fantastic mother. I can't wait to meet your little one.

  • Hey there!! Just wanted to let you know that we are thinking of you. Go to the doctor and hopefully he/she can put your mind at ease and good things will happen. We can picture you with a little version of yourself or P walking around. You are a wonderful woman who deserves wonderful things in your life.

    Jayme & Mendi @ Her Late Night Cravings

  • Lovely Light says:

    Vanisha, I'm so excited for your journey! I started taking pre-natals in February, got off the pill in April, and got pregnant on our first month of trying. We thought "well, it takes 6 months to a year, so we might as well start now…" Um. Nope. My friend started at the same as us and when she got off, her cycles were 45-60 days long. It looks at least six months to convince her GYNO to start testing. Hubby's sperm analysis was fine. After several different tests/sonos, she was diagnosed with PCOS. Now that they know what's going on, they can start to treat it and hopefully get pregnant! So I tell you two sides of the story, not to worry you, but to let you know there is hope. I think that not knowing is the worst part. So if you can get started with the doctors, you might find some peace of mind. I'll be right here with you on the journey, rooting for the both of you! xo!

  • Fashion-isha says:

    Don't be afraid, there may be nothing wrong with you. Sometimes when you've been on the pill it takes up to a year to get pregnant naturally. I wish you only blessings!

  • Sometimes it is a long and hard journey. I went off the pill and we tried for a year and a half and still nothing. I finally went to the doctor. I wish I had gone sooner. Another year and a half of fertility treatments, naturist, and assorted other treatments I feel pregnant. Only to have a miscarriage. I gave up and cried for six months. And thought all was lost. Only to accidently fall pregnant, naturally with out any treatment, which I carried full term and is now the most beautiful boy… Jarvis.
    I am not saying your journey to motherhood will be as long or as hard as mine. But what I am saying is act now, do something sooner rather than later.
    Some stats for you, the average woman takes between 6 and 12 months to fall pregnant. And if you guys are not in the same place when you are ovulating you cannot count that month.

  • Oh man, this is one of my biggest fears as well. I know it will all work out though (for both of us). Just takes some time. 🙂 Thinking about you!!

  • Ti says:

    You sound stressed about this. Could be stress? Praying for you! And boy this reminds me of all of Kerri's posts before her kiddo camo on about her baby fever and her uterus skipping a beat at all cute baby things… have faith!

  • How exciting, Vanisha!!! I actually didn't think I could have children until I actually had one so I totally feel you. Now, do you mean by the end of this month because it's almost over?!?

  • Fiona M says:

    I really feel for you – I know that broody aching well, and we're not anywhere close to being ready to add a baby to our little family! Two months isn't a very long time, and although going to the doctor makes lots of sense, even if only to put your mind at rest, you may just need a bit more time.
    I hope all goes well for you, and that you and Patrick are soon welcoming a little one into your lives! x

  • Katrin says:

    I can totally understand that you are scared to go to the doctor. I would be the same. But I am sure everything is fine, Vanisha! Don't be scared! I wish you all the good luck in the world and I am thinking of you!

  • Dear Vanisha, this is the first time I visit your blog and, even if we don't know each other, I sincerely wish you all the best! Thank you so much for the kind comments on my blog…I read several posts on yours and I loved your honest blogging advices! Take care, Caterina

  • Leslie says:

    Hello beautiful Vanish and I must say first off how sorry I am for not visiting in a while. has been giving me horrible problems and I contemplated stopping my blog altogether. The good news is that I will continue and be back on track within a week.

    Okay my dear .. I am beyond child bearing years, but when I was in the midst of it, I was a birthing instructor, label assistant, and lactation consultant. This is such a delicate and heart tugging situation and I know you are feeling anxious. YES.. go see a doctor and just know that it's likely there is nothing wrong. Conceiving a child is not as easy as people make it sound. What ever will be .. will be as life is JUST THAT WAY. It will always be for the best in the long run.

    Take care.. rest.. try not to worry:)


  • Leslie says:

    ..oops!! don't vanish Lol! I meant Vanisha .. my typing is horrible!

  • Phioxee says:

    i like your name vanisha. and i can tell that you have a successful marriage. and your husband is so dear. bt having a baby may complete the two of you. please see a doctor. and if God really wants you to have a baby, He'll definitely provide it to you. you seem to be a lovely pretty sure God will bless you one.

  • Elements says:

    Your newest follower and I must say you have a lovely blog. So many girlfriends are having a bumpy start these days and really it could be the most simplest thing. Doctors are wonderful and you may need nothing or you may need something but they are the perfect support to this wonderful journey into parenthood. Don't be scared it will all work out no matter what your path is.

  • Hi Vanisha, that's exciting..visiting the doctor will definitely make you feel better. It's okay to feel anxious. The doctor's appointment will ease and drive those thoughts away afterwards. I went through one cycle of fertility induction last year and was in an emotional roller coaster and was so stressed out- I didn't even talk about it. So I commend you for courageously opening this up here. I truly believe that when it's due, whether we like it or not, the gift of parenthood will just come.

  • Zoe says:

    This is very exciting Vanisha! You will make a wonderful mum. It must be stressful at this point not being sure how long it will take, I hope you feel better once you have had a little check up, I'm very much looking forward to hearing how this journey of yours progresses xx

  • Sara Louise says:

    I'm in the same boat. Go to the doctor, you'll feel better after. x.

  • Awww hun. Go and have it checked out. Just so that you can have some peace of mind. All the best with the new phase in both you and your hubby's life.

    p.s you just made me broody.

    hugs from me.

  • Sam says:

    Hi Vanisha, please don't be despondent, I have many friends in your position and I will tell you the same thing I tell them…when the time is right for you, it will happen, it really will. When you are more settled down, when your body and mind are less stressed and when you stop thinking about it, things will naturally fall into place. All you have to focus on is staying hip and healthy as you are now, so you can prepare yourself for something better (like pregnancy) when it happens. My thoughts and prayers are with you, wishing you well my dear.

  • s says:

    awe i have two girls and they are both the best blessings that I have ever ever received. how exciting that u want to start a family~~~ can't wait to keep up with your family's growth and new adventures! xO!

  • Julie Keller says:

    Although I'm sure everything is fine (I know, I have no idea, just something nice to say), I think you better get your little hiney to the doctor! And congrats on starting to try – such a milestone!!

  • I can totally understand being impatient – I'm terrible at it! We'll hold you to it tho – you should go just to put your mind at ease!

  • Gemma says:

    I was nodding my head furiously as I read this post. You already know my story and struggles in this area. I think you should go to see a doctor asap – not becuase anything is wrong but it will help quieten those 'what if' voices I'm sure are running around your head at the moment. Knowledge is power. xx

  • Amanda says:

    Well goodness, Vanisha. You know I can relate to this. It's such a frustrating place to be in, too. Not knowing if something is wrong or not. Hugs and prayers, my friend.

  • Cee says:

    Since you were so open in this post, I feel it's only fair for me to be as well – and so I will admit that I cannot really relate to your feelings. I've never wanted to be a mother. But I can relate to wanting something, something that appears to be easy to get, and yet being unable to reach it. If you are concerned that something is wrong, the first thing you have to do is have it checked; having an answer, one way or the other, will go such a long way to easing the tension you're feeling… which, I hate to say it, could be contributing to your struggles. Thinking of you, my dear.

  • Oh how inconsistent life is for us all. We were pregnant first go after being off the pill for not even three months. Don't assume something is wrong though. We all operate differently. I was convinced is had a miscarriage at 7 weeks but hadn't! It all happens as its supposed to!! Good luck!!

  • Inga says:

    Lovely Vanisha.
    I would go and see the doctor to hear that everything is OK. And if it´s not, then you get the help you need sooner. Both ways, you will be the perfect parents 🙂 Big hugs from the other side of planet!

  • Debby Steele says:

    Sometimes it just takes awhile. When I was trying for my second child it didn't happen right away. Each month was a disappointment and I began to get concerned but eventually the stick turned pink. Keep trying! xo

  • Lindsay K says:

    Dear Vanisha,
    What a lovely and exciting time for you and Patrick. I can totally image you with gorgeous, perfect little ones:)

    I can't imagine the anxiety that you must feel. I'm so proud of you for sharing this here. Deciding to start a family is such a delicate and personal step. I really admire your courage. I think you will feel much better once you see the doctor and you get some reassurance or assistance if need be. It will feel good just to be able to speak with a professional and feel like you have some control over it all. In the meantime, please try to stay calm.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you!

  • Vanisha I'm not even trying to have a baby but I'm scared when I do want one that something will be wrong!

    Go to a doctor. Get some peace of mind.


  • It takes time for some, and none for others, BUT as Krysten pointed it out…go see a doctor, so you get some peace of mind. Worst part is to worry and not know what's wrong so take that risk and make that appointment ASAP.


  • I think you will be an amazing mother when it happens for you. You are so kind hearted and patient.

  • Taj Acosta says:

    That is wonderful darling! I'm sure you will be the most
    fabulous mom! Being a new mom I can assure you, it is the greatest joy! Hoping all is well! xx -Taj

  • Definitely go to the doctor… But don't go crazy! I've seen so many great marriages go awry because of the stress of wanting a baby. I will pray for you for sure because I want to see you being happy, but please take care of that hubby of yours that seems to be so amazing!!!

  • Tyne Swedish says:

    Hello darling! I cannot believe you haven't fully been checked out by the doctor yet but I will say that you will be a fantastic mother one day. Just relax and enjoy life and enjoy P and your time together. Enjoy your smiles and kisses and alone time. It will happen when you least expect it to happen but just the time it should happen. Like you I like controlling my world but sometimes the best things happen when we hold no control at all.


    PS: We need to skype soon. When you feel like and and my prof. isn't trying to kill me! 😉

  • Have been thinking of you. Did you go to the doctor? If you need to talk, email me.

  • I hope everything is alright sweet girl. But maybe a trip to the doctor is necessary to get the answers you need? I know how scary it can be do go to the doctor when you fear something is wrong…and it's much easier to just not go, and keep hoping. It's better to keep hopinh than to get bad news, right? I hope you will find the strength to go to the doctor, and that you will only get good news. ~Love~

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