This Mother’s Day I thought I would be pregnant. I truly believed that I would be. I thought I’d have a swollen belly, and a glow that could not be matched. I thought I would be excited about welcoming a child, our child, into the world by the end of this year. I thought my mum, my sisters and I would be giddy with excitement. That my husband would be in love with me a million times over and we’d be talking about that painting I’ve had my eye on for the nursery.
Instead, I spent the day thinking about the mother I have. How strong and gentle she has been. How one day I would like to be just like her…But then I have to remind myself that things are different. That I’m different, that my body is different.
I thought I would feel sad today because unlike many other women, I’m one of those who won’t fall pregnant. But I didn’t feel sad today. I just kept feeling “oh my goodness I want to be a mother”. It’s a very real feeling, that. I want to have two children in my arms (actually three but then there aren’t enough arms for that) and I want to be like my mum. But I also want to be like a mum. I want to hold a baby, my baby, whilst I have lunch with my girl friends. I want to juggle 5 inch-heels and a designer handbag plus a baby bag.
This Mother’s Day I realized that it’s okay to want these things. And it’s okay to say that I want them, more than anything else in the world. That it’s okay to want things that may never happen. That’s okay too.