There has been so much I have wanted to say about my pregnancy but in many ways I’ve held back. I see so many posts on Instagram and on blogs about ‘honest mothering’ and ‘honest parenthood’ and the bulk of them focus on the ‘challenges’ of parenting or pregnancy. They have made me feel like being honest about my journey meant only sharing the challenges and the difficulties. But I haven’t had any, and perhaps if I have they simply haven’t registered to me as such. Many of these posts make me feel like sharing my absolutely wonderful experience will make others who aren’t in a similar situation feel bad. It might make me look like I’m gloating and bragging.
The reality is that I want to share these experiences because I am so grateful. Grateful that after being told I wouldn’t be able to conceive my body has gone and done just that. After being told I wouldn’t be able to carry to term if I did happen to conceive, my body has beautifully got me through the first two trimesters. And in absolutely stellar fashion.
I love my curves. I didn’t have morning sickness. There are no signs of stretch marks. I can still wear my heels. I haven’t experienced water retention. I feel a bit heavy (which makes sense given that I weighed 42kgs when I found out I was pregnant and am now pushing 50kgs) – and it’s all baby and pregnancy related. I’ve been told I don’t look like I’ve put on weight anywhere else. I started feeling my baby move quite early, even though my doctor told me not to worry as I probably wouldn’t feel the little one until 20-22 weeks. I didn’t have to wait that long and since then I’ve felt this little one pretty much throughout the day, everyday. Sure I have another trimester to go and sure a lot can happen and things can flip on their head but I’m loving being pregnant. I’m enjoying every moment of it and I so desperately want the freedom to be able to share this and tell it like it is without being made to feel like my experience isn’t ‘honest’. I’m a firm believer that no individual experience diminishes the value, honesty and integrity of the next person’s experience.
Perhaps it comes down to perspective and how we view things. In this post I wrote about how I cried when I couldn’t told my yoga poses but how within minutes I saw it as a tiny trade off for a baby that was growing so strong and so healthy. I joked with Patrick about the sleepless nights that everyone has warned us about and in his usual zen attitude he said, “well, babies are only that little for such a short period of time.” I think you’d have to know us to believe that this is how we approach things. I apologise if it comes across fake or dishonest to you but it’s how we try to deal life. When things are hard I’m the first to admit it, cry about it, cuss, share and ask for help. But in this pregnancy those moments have been so few and I have shared them.
My honest pregnancy journey might look different to yours. And if yours has been challenging, my heart goes out to you. My three years of dealing with the shock of infertility was tough. I don’t want to share my sadness without sharing my happiness. Who knows my lovely pregnancy might be followed by a difficult birth or a difficult baby and if it is you can be sure that I’ll tell you about it but for the moment can I just tell you that I love being pregnant, that there isn’t a single moment so far that I’ve complained about and that I am so, so thankful for this amazing experience. This is my honest pregnancy journey.